If believed will sabotage your marriage. 

Currently only 46% of U.S. adults are married ¹, down from two-thirds in 1950. Cohabitation has risen and divorce rates for first marriages are around 40%. At the same time, research shows married adults have higher life satisfaction, better physical health, and even live about two years longer than their unmarried peers. Married couples ages 25-55 are more than twice as likely to report being “very happy” with their lives, according to the 2024 General Social Survey. Marriage remains one of life’s most enduring institutions because it is one of God’s designs for humans. 

However, it is surrounded by myths that set couples up for disappointment. Rather than believe in the myths, people need to accept the realities of what it takes to make a marriage work. This will prepare people for the work necessary to build a lasting and happy marriage. Let’s look at the myths and the truths behind each one. 

Myth # 1 Love should be enough. 

No, sometimes love is not enough, at least what we think of as human love. Our culture defines love as a feeling. The problem with feelings is they are fickle. They constantly change depending upon circumstances and how people treat us. We “fall in love” based upon a physical attraction, how someone treats us, how we think about them, and the template our brain created about love as a child. By this I mean how we were loved and what kind of attachment we developed to our caregivers. This became normal, familiar to us, whether it was good or bad. Our brain loves the familiar, it is comfortable to us. So, we are unconsciously drawn to someone who fits that template. 

But feelings alone aren’t enough to go the distance of a lifetime. We crave unconditional love that is consistent regardless of another person’s changing feelings. Feeling based love is why people say things like: 

“I love you but I am not in love with you.” Translation – I care about you as a person but I no longer feel the way I used to about you. So I am moving on to find someone who makes me happy and gives me that loving feeling again. 

In reality love is an action just as much or more than a feeling. Unconditional love is a will to act in a loving way regardless of my feelings. Here is a good definition of love. 

Love is patient and kind. 

Love does not envy or boast. 

Love is not arrogant or rude. 

Love does not insist on its own way. 

Love is not irritable or resentful.

Love does not rejoice at wrongdoing. 

Love rejoices with the truth. 

Love bears all things. 

Love believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 

Love never ends. 

That definition is from 1 Corinthians 13. 4 -8, in the Bible. It describes God’s unconditional love for people. 

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. John 3.16. 

This is the kind of love we are to show for our marriage partner.. This kind of love only comes from God. When we receive this love for ourselves we are then able to pass it on to our mate. This love will be enough. 

Myth # 2 – It shouldn’t be this hard. 

Marriage takes work. It isn’t like in the movies where a boy gets a girl and they ride off into the sunset to live happily ever after. You may think when you say, “I do.” at the marriage altar it is done, but it is never done. You have to keep working at and nurture the marriage for the rest of your life. This isn’t a chore but a labor of love. 

Just like any other worthwhile endeavor it takes work to succeed. If you want to succeed in your career, in athletics, in music, as an artist, or be healthy and stay in shape you have to be willing to work hard at it. This means developing a strong inner character, good habits, self-discipline and time management skills. Truly successful people have a good moral compass, set right priorities and are productive with their life. They live intentionally not just by chance hoping everything turns out all right. There are things we can’t do on our own and ask God to work on our behalf. He has promised to do that but only after we have done our part. Do you ever remember hearing this saying? 

“God helps those who help themselves.? 

What this means is God has given us a brain and a body. He has given us the ability to do some things for ourselves. He won’t do for us what he has given us the ability to do. We can do the possible and the difficult. It is God who can do the impossible. The next time you are complaining about how much work marriage requires. Stop and be grateful that God only expects you to do the possible, not the impossible. 

Even if we didn’t have a good marriage model from our parents we aren’t doomed to repeat their mistakes and fail at marriage or have an unhappy marriage. Here are some possible things we can do to help a marriage.

1. Find a good bible teaching church because it will teach on God’s design for marriage and the home. There you will also be able to find some successful marriage models. 2. The are many good books, podcasts, seminars and blogs that will teach practical solutions to marital and family issues: 

• How to communicate better. 
• How to understand the differences between men and women. 
• How to parent and what children need from parents in their different life stages. 
• How to handle finances in the home so money doesn’t become the stressor that creates fights and ends the marriage. 

3. These tools and help are out there and available and some are free. Get them, read, study, talk, apply – wow that sounds like a lot of work. Yep, that’s what I said, it takes work. It is just a matter of getting your priorities right. 

4. Find time to date. This shouldn’t stop at marriage, it should continue throughout the marriage. It will be harder at times; when you are raising children, building a business or career. Stay at it, you won’t be perfect but keep trying to find time for each other. This will pay big dividends in your marriage. 

Myth #3 – Maybe we just aren”t right for each other. 

It is true some people aren’t right for each other and shouldn’t be together. But that is something you figure out before marriage. This problem is because of what I call deal breakers. Those are things you cannot under any circumstances compromise on. This tends to be bigger things like matters of faith, morals, values, life-goals, having children – things you are willing to die for. At the least you realize these opposing viewpoints will be the cause of constant conflict and resentment throughout the entire marriage if you are not able to align them. 

Perhaps you are already married and just now realize you have deal breakers. What do you do? It depends on the deal breaker. If they are a serial adulterer, an addict, a sexual or physical abuser, a criminal – someone who is a danger to the life of you and other family members. There will probably be an ultimatum given and if ignored you will find a safe way to get out of the environment and the marriage will end. But these are extreme cases. When people are expressing this myth they are usually referring to something not so extreme. 

They are talking about the normal differences between gender, personality and family environment that cause different views on subjects. Because of poor communication skills, emotional triggers and poor conflict resolution skills the couple can’t work through the problems to a compromise they can both agree to. This process needs to be faced in every marriage because there are two different people living under the same roof. These conflicts don’t mean you shouldn’t be together. If that was the case you won’t be with anyone. 

Another common core problem is pride. This manifests as an attitude of, “I want my way and I refuse to change. My mate is the problem and they will have to do the changing”. This flies in the face of a couple marriage realities. One is that marriage is about two people, so it is never just one

person’s fault. Change will be required on both parts. The other is something my mother taught me as a little kid when I would pout and threaten to not speak to her if I didn’t get my way. She would say, “John you have to learn in life you can’t always get your way.” Funny what we remember from our parents. If you can learn these skills and accept these realities you will be able to work through to win-win compromises. Just ask yourself, “Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?” Some people end up without either one. That is a major reason they can’t make relationships work. To be continued…

Reference:

1- https://www.barna.com/trends/marriage-divorce-trends-2025/