I said in our last blog that the divorce rate for first marriages is 40%. This represents a lot of pain for couples and their families. How do we bring that rate down? One way is to not fall victim to these myths. Understand the realities of what it takes to build a happy and lasting marriage. We have looked at three myths so far: 

1. Love is enough. 

2. It shouldn’t be this hard. 

3. Maybe we just aren’t right for each other. 

Now let’s look at the next four. 

Myth 4 – I can change them. 

No you can’t. This is a common outlook for women because of their nurturing nature but even men fall victim to this one. You don’t have control over a person’s free will. We can influence, manipulate, coerce, threaten, give ultimatums and anything else you can think of to get our partner to change. But at the end of the day you can’t make anyone do something they don’t want to do. 

All you can count on is who this person is as they stand before you now. People are at their best when they are dating. We put our “a game” on when trying to impress someone. However, we can’t maintain that front over a lifetime if that isn’t the true self. It is what I call the difference between box checking and a heart change. Box checking is what I think I have to do to win you. But once I have accomplished my purpose I will go back to my old and natural behavior. Heart change comes from self-awareness and a true heart decision made of my free will to change my inner character, morals, beliefs, values or priorities to become the best version of me. This is a change that will last and result in benefit to others. But I am not changing for others. 

This type of change comes from one of two sources or a combination of both. One is the negative consequences of poor decisions. This is why we don’t want to enable people because it shields them from the consequences. People change because of a motivational crisis. This is realizing that the pain of staying the same out weighs the pleasure of staying the same. The other source is God working in us to change our heart. Jesus illustrated this in his story of the prodigal son. God focuses on changing people from the inside out not the outside in. Remember, you are not God and cannot change a person. 

No matter who you think about marrying you must accept two realities. 

1. You two are different from each other – gender, personality, family of origin and background and life experiences. 
2. Everyone comes with some past baggage, there are no perfect people. 

These differences are designed to compliment and complete each other; not produce conflict and competition. Over time you rub off on each other to form a better team. It is no longer me and you but us. Good communication skills are the key to working through these differences and solving

conflicts. The second thing in regard to the past baggage is to be fully aware of both your and your mate’s baggage and decide, can I accept them as they are, baggage and all even if they never change. Only move forward if the answer is yes. 

Myth 5 – You need to be like me. 

This myth is somewhat related to myth four. The differences are usually a big part of the attraction. They were the opposite of you. They had something you didn’t. You admired that and wanted some of that in your life, so you brought them in. Our personalities are like two sides of a coin – a positive side and a negative side. Eventually we see the negative side of each other; it irritates my positive 

side. Communication skills are the key to navigating these differences and blending them. This is what mature adults do. We accept the differences of each other, and only ask for a change when the actions of your mate are draining your core emotional need bucket ( the respect bucket for a man and the love bucket for a woman, to make it simple). 

Don’t try to make you mate over into a clone of you. If you do that you will be fighting constantly over every little difference of how you see and do things. You will have a high conflict marriage that will build resentment and wear out both of you. 

Remember you can’t change people. So you may be wondering, “Why did I even choose this person in the first place?” One reason can be because of the relational and nurture template created in your brain by your initial caregivers. These caregivers could have been great and met all your nurture needs. Or they could have been terrible; emotionally unavailable, critical, absent, etc. Whatever they were, this became normal and familiar to you. As your brain is developing this template gets formed and our brain seeks the familiar, it is comforting to us. So, we end up unconsciously being drawn to a person who fits the template, even if they wouldn’t make a good mate. We don’t know why we chose them or keep going back to them because the reason is in the unconscious mind. 

Except everyone is different and no one will be you. Learn to work with what you have. 

Myth 6 – My mate is perfect, I wouldn’t change a thing about them. 

See me in a year and see if you still feel this way. If you fall for this one it means either you haven’t been paying attention, the old love is blind problem or you are still in the infatuation stage. This is a wonderful stage, the dopamine is high, all we do is think about the person, our body is excited. This is what we love about being in love. If we are not careful we can become like an addict who is constantly chasing the next high because this stage won’t last. Love has to change, mature and deepen over time to last a lifetime. That doesn’t mean you can’t continue to have romance, a fulfilling sex life and enjoy being together. But tis stage won’t last. 

This infatuation stage may last about a year and a half. Like I said, eventually we see the other side of the coin. We realize they aren’t perfect but then neither am I. We don’t see everything the same. But that is reality. But this stage feels so good that people can chase the fantasy. They leave a marriage because they want that feeling back. Fantasy doesn’t require work, you are running on emotion and adrenaline. It is like going to Disney World or a movie. Speaking of movies, we see a lot

of these disposable marriages in Hollywood. Eventually you will see the reality, that is when the real work of marriage begins. 

Myth 7 – If it doesn’t work out we can always get a divorce. 

Marriage is designed to be a commitment to a lifetime covenant between a man and a woman. It isn’t something you just try on and dispose of if it doesn’t fit or gets old. It is a serious decision and commitment. It is not something to enter flippantly or on a feeling or whim. There is too much hurt, pain, and shame attached to divorce. I never met someone who went through a divorce and wants to go through another one. Too many people are hurt. Children’s futures are impacted in a negative way. 

This is an immature and selfish way to look at marriage. God’s plan is one man and one woman for a lifetime. This ideal design is what will bring us the most happiness in life. That being said we also must acknowledge this is a broken and less than ideal world. Divorce is a reality that happens. It happened in Jesus’ day and throughout most of human history. Some people don’t have much of a choice about divorce because of the hardness of their mates heart. You can’t make a person stay with or be faithful to you. 

However, don’t go into marriage planning to fail. Do not enter marriage unless you are ready to make a full heart commitment to the vows you are about to make to each other before God and others. Don’t use the divorce word in arguments. In any marriage there will be the good and the bad, the rich and poor times, the healthy and the sick times, the better and the worse. You are looking for someone who is willing to go through it all with you. Anyone can handle and be there when things are good and positive. When it all goes south that is when you discover what unconditional love means. If I want that in a mate I have to be that myself. 

Marriage can be a great adventure. The tough times can deepen the bond between two people. Realize it will require change on the part of each person. It is work and not a fantasy. Don’t become a statistic. If you say I already am a statistic or I wish I had now then what I know now. Realize God will meet you where you are. He can help you take what you have and make it work. Just deal in reality and no longer in myths.

If you started in Part 2 and would like to read part one first go to: Marriage Myths Part 1