We usually only go to the doctor when something is wrong with us. I have symptoms that make me feel bad or are interfering in my life. The doctor is looking for what the disease is. Many people often feel “dis-ease” within themselves. They are depressed, anxious, angry or generally unhappy with where they are in life. They constantly ask themselves, “What is wrong with me?” We spend so much time looking backward at our regrets, faults, traumas, mistakes and all the things we feel we need to change in order to be a better person. There is a time to do this; we do this all the time at the counseling center.

A Shift in Perspective: What’s Right With Me?

However, when was the last time you asked yourself, “What is right with me?” People in couples counseling will focus a lot on what they don’t like about their mate or partner; complaining about everything wrong with them. It is hard to get them to answer the question, “What do you like about this person? Why did you fall in love with them?” It is even more difficult to get them to answer, “What can I do better to help improve this relationship?” To get them to focus on a solution to their problem. The only solution you have any control over is what you are willing to change about yourself.

Jesus’ Teaching on Self-Reflection

This is why Jesus said, “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye?” You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. (Matthew 7:3–5)

Human Nature and the Blame Game

This problem, only seeing the negatives in others or blaming others rather than first looking at my part of the conflict is human nature. It is as old as the Garden of Eden. When God confronted Adam and Eve about their disobedience to Him; Adam blamed Eve and she blamed the serpent. Why is our first response to usually be defensive and blame others? There are different reasons for this but one major reason is our own insecurity. Because I don’t like or feel positive about myself, I can’t handle owning one more negative thing about myself. I’m not going to get into how self-image is formed and why most people have a negative view of themselves here. I have explained this several times in other articles.

Moving Toward a Healthier Self-View

But I would like to focus on how to change the view of ourselves into a more healthy and positive one. Honest people will admit in at least a general sense they have faults. No one is perfect, even though some people act as if they are. We are always talking to ourselves and unfortunately for most of us we are saying negative things to ourselves. As I said earlier we focus too much on what is wrong with us and what we need to change or fix. It wouldn’t hurt to focus more on what is right with me.

Discovering Your Strengths

What are my strengths, my talents and gifts? What am I good at, have an interest and passion for? What character traits, skills or abilities have others complimented me on? In what ways have others told me I have been a help to them? When different, unrelated or unconnected people have given you some of the same positive feedback, then it would be logical to assume there must be some truth to this. I shouldn’t just disregard or convince myself they all have to be wrong. This is what I call the negative lens. I look at myself through this lens and automatically filter out anything positive about myself and only let in negative information.

Strengths Over Struggles

By focusing on my strengths I will get a better return on my investment. Work on your negatives just enough so they don’t interfere with your strengths. Here are a few simple steps on how to figure out what is right about yourself, then focus there.

1. Identify Your Strengths: These can be skills, interests, character traits, passions, talents. They are the raw materials God has designed you with. There are assessments you can take to identify them. Talk to people who know you and ask them what your strengths are. Listen to positive feedback others give you about your work, character or how your abilities helped them. You may think, “I don’t have any talents.” Jesus told a parable about three men who were given talents by their master. One was given one talent, one five and the other ten. They were told to use them and make a return for their master. The moral of the story was the men were not in competition with each other. They were only in competition with themselves. What did they do with what they were given? All of us have been given at least one talent. Discover yours and maximize it.
2. Make a List of Positive Things: Make a list of positive and good things about yourself. Start with at least five. Add to your list as other things come to your mind. Don’t overlook small, simple things. No one is perfect, don’t overthink it. Is this something you try to do most of the time (not that you’re perfect at it)? Do you say please and thank you (gratitude)? That’s a good thing. Get the picture?
3. Review and Reaffirm Daily: Review your list daily. Add to it as you think of new things. Focus on these things, not your faults. If you start to think of the negative things about yourself (ANTs, automatic negative thoughts) pull out your list and speak your positive things out loud.
4. Develop Your Skills and Abilities: This will require things like instruction, study and practice. The raw materials need to be refined. You’ve heard of the 10,000 hour rule made popular by author Malcolm Gladwell in his book, Outliers: The Story of Success. It takes 10,000 hours of practice to be an expert in something. The rule isn’t totally true, it is more like a general principle. There are other variables involved. But the principle of practice and working at your abilities is true. When you do this you will get better at things and gain more confidence in these things.
5. Stay Humble and Share the Glory: As you do these things you will change both your belief system and your behavior. Others will recognize the good things in you and you will come to believe in yourself. Don’t take all the credit. Pass it around; to God, to others who have helped you. Be grateful for how far you have come in your outlook on life and yourself. This will help keep you in a positive mindset about yourself and others. When you can see the good in you, you will be more prone to look for the good in others.