John D. Hawkins Jr., M.S., C.A.P., Registered Mental Health Intern

According to couple’s researcher John Gottman, the average couple waits six years before seeking assistance from the time they begin experiencing relationship distress. This results in the underlying issue not being adequately addressed and typically intensifying, the growth of anger and resentments, and the increased use of compulsive coping mechanisms, such as increased alcohol use or spending binges as ways to manage the unwanted emotions that are generated as a result relationship conflict.

Numerous justifications are offered for not obtaining help: we can’t afford to financially; we don’t have the time; and we should be able to work through this ourselves. It is often not until the disclosure of an affair, a serious threat of divorce, or a conflict that has escalated into a physical altercation will a couple reach the necessary motivational crisis to obtain the aid of an outside source, such as a therapist. This results in the added stress of having to manage and resolve the immediate crisis and also the amelioration of the core relationship dysfunction that engendered the motivating event, making the challenge of attaining a positive outcome that much more difficult.

As a couple’s therapist, there are numerous times I wish a couple had decided to see me years earlier before one of them had lost all motivation to resolve their relationship distress and were only attending sessions to assuage their sense of guilt related to either having decided to end the relationship or the violation of their belief system with no true intent, or hope of the possibility, of reestablishing their relationship.

The common causes of couple’s difficulties are readily identifiable and treatable, such as impediments to effective communication and conflict resolution. What makes successful outcomes in couple’s therapy so challenging to achieve is diminishing and eliminating the various defenses and dysfunctional coping mechanisms each party has learned to utilize and become so entrenched in, which is facilitated by years of unaddressed and unresolved conflict. Taking steps to deal with relationship issues before this occurs is the most proactive and effective action one can engage in to achieve and ensure a healthy relationship.