John D. Hawkins Jr., M.S., C.A.P., Registered Mental Health Intern

People enter counseling with a variety of complaints: depression, anxiety, addiction, and relationship conflicts. As I attempt to assist each individual with these issues, a primary contributing factor I frequently identify is an individual engaging in behaviors that were once adaptive but now have the opposite effect. For example, someone may have been raised by parents that were physically or verbally abusive. This particular child may have learned a very effective strategy of being avoidant: if I stay quiet, compliant, or disappear, I suffer much less abuse. However, now as an adult, when I feel disrespected, or have a disagreement with my spouse, I hold it all inside, which is no longer the most effective response. As I attempt to confront my partner, or express my true feelings, I begin to feel small and experience considerable anxiety. Afterwards, I become angry with myself for my lack of assertiveness or bitter and resentful towards my partner. I may claim my partner is insensitive to my feelings and doesn’t care about my viewpoint. Others may use alcohol or another compulsive behavior to take numb these feelings of anger and anxiety.

Typically, these behaviors have become automatic to the point of the individual believing they are just part of their personality. A major part of the work of counseling is identifying these automatic responses, processing the emotions related to the original negative or traumatic events, and learning to develop a broader, and more effective, array of responses. Another common example I frequently encounter is related to a particular type of depression. During childhood or adolescence, there may have been helplessness in a child’s ability to response to certain situations. An adaption a child may utilize is to shut down and go numb emotionally, or to lose oneself in a fantasy world. As an adult, a person may achieve this disconnectedness through alcohol, television, or surfing the web for hours.  In childhood, all they could do was disengage emotionally to diminish the overwhelming feelings they were experiencing. In adulthood, this individual goes into a state of helplessness when encountering relationship conflict or certain problems. In these instances, the person loses a level of awareness they are now an adult with options and resources they did not possess as a child.

The majority of us engage in some level of rigidly using old patterns of behavior that are not the most effective response in our current life. However, for some, this begins to contribute to a considerable level of dysfunction in their present interactions. My suggestion to each person is to honestly examine your current responses in these problematic situations for their level of effectiveness. If your reaction tends to be rigid or appears to contribute to a negative outcome, there is likely a regression to formerly adaptive behaviors that are no longer effective. If this is the case, seek out a qualified professional to assist you in breaking free from these entrenched past behaviors.