Does counseling work? It works for some people but not for everyone. Why doesn’t it work for everyone? Because I have to enter counseling with the mindset, “I’m not perfect and will need to make some changes in my life.” Even with this mindset I can find myself feeling stuck at times. “I’m not making progress. 

“Why do I do these things I don’t want to do?” 

“Why do I say things I don’t mean?” 

“Why can’t I change this about myself?” 

Without making progress people get discouraged and drop out of counseling. In some cases they are not ready for counseling because they aren’t serious about taking an honest look at themselves and making the necessary changes to fix and heal themselves. But to be more specific there are three traps people fall into that will stop any forward progress. These three traps have been around since the beginning of time and are part of the human condition. They are blame, shame and pride. 

Blame

Rather than just owning my wrongs and cleaning my side of the street. “My bad, I messed up, please forgive me. I’ll work on changing and improving this.” We justify our faults by blaming others. We blame our mate, the kids, other people, job stress, “I was tired and didn’t feel well. If you wouldn’t have done that I would have reacted that way.” We blame our circumstances, our family, our past, the world and God. Anything to keep from taking personal responsibility. 

Why are we like this? It is the human condition. Go back to the first humans, Adam and Eve. They were created perfect. They lived in a perfect world. All their needs were fulfilled. They were designed to live forever and never die. They had a perfect relationship with God. Things couldn’t be any better. God gave them free will so they could choose to trust and love God and enjoy this wonderful life. God gave them a test, “To keep all this just don’t eat off that one tree over there, because if you do you will die and lose all this.” 

Well, we know how that turned out. Under testing and temptation they doubted and disobeyed God and did their own thing instead. When God confronted them on their actions rather than owning them they blamed others. Adam blamed Eve and God. Eve blamed the devil. No one took any responsibility. There is nothing new under the sun. Only by owning my actions and reactions will I find a way out of my shame. 

Shame

Shame is the second trap. Shame makes me feel worthless and there is nothing I can do about it. Look at the symptoms of shame. God came at his usual time of day to walk with them. This was something they all looked forward to; but they were not there. God asked a rhetorical question, “Where are you?” Of course he knew where they were and what happened, he’s God. God is giving them a chance to be responsible. They were hiding from God.

This is what shame does, we isolate. Not only from God but from others. Shame makes us feel everyone in the world knows what I have done and are passing judgment on me. So I don’t want to be around anyone who makes me feel worse about myself than I already do. We are told they were hiding because they were naked and ashamed. God asked, “ Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten of the forbidden tree?” Before then they had no idea of what nakedness or shame was. Once again a chance to be responsible and own up to what they did. 

You may wonder, “What difference would it make now if they did confess? What would God have done?” We will never know because they didn’t. God did show them a way to remove their shame and restore a relationship with him. What we do learn here is there is only one way to remove shame. Come to God and others, confess our wrongs to God and others. Deal with the consequences and make the necessary changes to our life. God promises to forgive the repentant heart. Others may or may not forgive but we are free of shame and can go on to a better life because we make the necessary changes to do so. 

Pride

Pride focuses on self. What I want, when I want it. Pride doesn’t think about others or the consequences of my actions on others. I can say things like, “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I do love you. I only want the best for you. I don’t know why I did this?” The reality is when I act out of pride none of these things are actually true. I only cared about myself at the moment. This is the essence of pride. The middle letter in pride is “I”. Later I may feel remorse and regret for what I have done but in the moment it was about me. 

King Saul, the first king of Israel is an example of this. He started out a humble man, little in his own eyes. Eventually because of success his heart was filled with pride. In a military campaign he left alive the king of the Amalekites and the best of the livestock rather than obey God’s command to destroy everything. He wanted to show off his success. Because of pride God rejected him and his family from continuing the royal line. He replaced Saul with one of his servants, a humble shepherd boy named David. David was also best friends with Saul’s son, Jonathan. 

This spiritual problem of pride turned into a mental and psychological problem. It is amazing how our physical, mental and spiritual parts are all linked together and affect the whole body. Saul became jealous, paranoid, depressed and homocidal. He would call for David to come and play his harp so the music would lift him out of his depression. But the relief was only temporary because he wouldn’t deal with the root of his problem – pride. He would promise to change, admit he was wrong, and ask the prophet Samuel to intercede with God on his behalf. Things only got worse. He threatened Jonathan for maintaining his friendship with David. He tried on more than one occasion to kill David. Forcing David to flee the palace and live on the run. 

Finally, in battle, wounded, Saul committed suicide and Jonathan was killed in the same battle. All of this sad ending to what could have been a productive, successful life and career, because of pride. Blame, shame and pride; three traps that keep many from achieving their life’s full potential along with harming others close to them.