I was speaking with someone the other day, and they were discussing how they attempt to be giving and caring to everyone in their life. However, they stated, “I cannot be good to myself.” I find that most people will define an issue like this but never get beyond what the underlying cause is of their behavior. Years ago, I stumbled upon a simple way to begin to identify the motivation for engaging in a pattern like this: I asked what would happen if …?

 

In the case of the aforementioned individual, I asked him, “What would happen if I was good to myself?” He said he would feel guilty. I then asked him, “What would happen if you felt guilty?” He asserted, “I would feel bad about myself as a person.” I asked, “What would happen if you felt bad about yourself as a person?” We did a few rounds of this and ended with him fearing he would end up feeling helpless, alone, isolated, and feeling not good enough. As a side note, I find if you carry out most fears to their conclusion this is where you ultimately arrive.

 

Typically, the patterns of relating, such as those in the man I was working with, are developed in an effort to maintain attachment and connection with caregivers early in life. They become imprinted in our primitive brain and cannot be overridden by insight and understanding. They are mapped in the implicit memory system in the body. They can only be shifted experientially through a felt sense. This is the power of experiential therapy. I regularly get new clients who appreciated their former therapist as a kind and supportive person, but they are dissatisfied they are not experiencing real change. This is the root cause of their lack of change.

 

Many of my clients have read a plethora of books, watched videos, and attended seminars and have experienced only brief or minimal change. This is very frustrating for them and usually results in self-condemnation. Very few people in the helping profession understand the neurological underpinnings of these repetitive behaviors patterns and how they were adaptive and necessary at one point.

 

One of the best ways I have found to begin the processing of changing these patterns is to ask my client what would happen if … and then track their emotional and physical reaction to the imagined exposure. People are very out of tune with their body so their initial response is usually, “I don’t know.” Nonetheless, as I stay persistent with them, they will begin to develop more self-awareness of their body’s response. We then track and notice what the body does. Memories will often arise of many of the incidents that contributed to their nervous systems wiring in this way. However, this is not necessary or the most important thing. What we want to achieve is to track the physical sensations associated with emotional memories until they complete and discharge. This may take multiple rounds to fully release them from this emotional learning. Once this is done sufficiently, they will now break free from the pattern.

 

Remember, if you are caught in one of these perpetual patterns of relating or behavior and are frustrated with yourself, there are deeper forces at play. Use an imaginal exposure to induce an emotional and associated physical reaction that will surface the old adaptive pattern so you can begin to shift it. The one caveat I would include is to discontinue to exercise if you begin to experience too high of a level of intensity and begin to exceed your window of emotional tolerance. This would be something you would bring to a qualified therapist. Don’t stay stuck on the surface level of behavior and resign yourself to your fate. All these patterns can be shifted but not through insight and information but only experientially. Remember, if you are stuck, there is much more to the story.

-John Hawkins Jr., M.S., L.M.H.C.