One of the first things I typically have to help someone disrupt when they are struggling with difficult times is self-attack. I don’t know what it is about human nature, but people always beat themselves up when they are stuck in negative patterns or blocked from their goals. This behavior always results in an increase in their shame, anxiety, and frustration. It’s like my client is on fire and they are pouring gasoline on themselves. Trying to intervene on their behalf can often be an exercise in frustration and futility.

I have given this a good deal of thought. I believe all behavior is purposeful and has an adaptive intent, even if it does not appear so on the surface. Why do we all as the human race perpetually engage in this behavior? There must be a method to the madness. A question I ask myself when someone is engaging in entrenched negative or self-defeating behavior is, “What is the potential benefit of doing this,” or “What is worse than not doing this?” I have found several causes people to engage in self-contempt and attack over the years.

The first of these is to motivate oneself. Many of us received negative motivation over the years from parents, coaches, and teachers. We have internalized this type of motivation and now do it to ourselves. We have developed a belief that if we don’t push our self in this way, we will not achieve our goal or objective. However, in our reality today, I would say it has the opposite effect more often than not.

Another reason we use self-attack is as a protective strategy. There can be a secondary threat to overcoming our current challenge or obstacle. What if you broke away from that unhealthy relationship? Maybe, you would have to then face your fear of aloneness or deal with grief from the loss of the relationship. What if you wrote your book or started your business? You may be publicly criticized or expose yourself to your fear of failure.

The two primary interventions I use in helping my clients move away from self-attack are compassion and curiosity. No matter how many times they throw my care and compassion for them back in my face, I keep coming. Eventually, this begins to slowly get internalized and is a counter to all those negative motivators received from others previously in their lives. Simultaneously, I explore and identify what the chief causes underlying this behavior are. These are the two essential pieces in breaking free from self-contempt.

If you are stuck in patterns of self-attack, I would encourage you to surround yourself with people who are caring and accepting who will continue to encourage you towards self-compassion. In addition, you want people who will confront you in a caring way and not just listen passively as you berate yourself. A genuinely caring and healthy person will intercede on your behalf when you engage in this behavior. If you do not presently have those people in your life, read books, watch videos, listen to podcasts related to positivity and self-compassion. And most of all, STOP pouring gas on yourself!

 

• John Hawkins Jr., M.S., L.M.H.C.