I have worked with countless adults over the years who were children of divorce. One of the things that has astounded me is how few of them were ever asked during the divorce and the time afterward if they were okay or what they needed to help them feel safe and secure. Moreover, no one asked them if they understood what was happening or given a voice to express what it was like for them. The standard response from many parents is, “Let’s just pretend like nothing is happening and maybe they won’t notice.”

Going through a divorce is a traumatic event for a child or adolescent. Their world was just turned upside down, and they are powerless to do anything about it. Furthermore, children are often caught in the crossfire of adults’ anger and rage. Placing a child in the middle of the parents’ conflict is a major violation of a child’s boundaries. They do not need to hear about how horrible the other parent is or told inappropriate things about another parent’s sex life.

In addition, there is the issue of the parent’s new relationships. Having another person move in and become a part of the child’s life has an impact on them. Again, how this affects them is often never discussed. Children are very perceptive, particularly with anything that is associated with a threat to their attachment. A two-year-old will know something is going on between their parents.

The most important resource for coping with emotionally traumatic events is a secure emotional attachment. The trauma of the divorce is exacerbated by not having access to a responsive attachment figure to help them emotionally process what they are going through. Adults need to stop being avoidant and living in denial and start connecting with their children about how the divorce and subsequent events are affecting them. It is no wonder the research shows children of divorce have higher rates of substance use and mental health issues. If no one is there for them emotionally, any peer group serves as an attachment and drugs help regulate their overwhelming emotions.

The disintegration of the family is the root cause of so many emotional and psychological issues. There are those who want to diminish its negative impact for political reasons. However, the empirical evidence is indisputable. High rates of divorce are a cultural reality that is not going away anytime soon. What we do have the power to do as parents and a society is to begin doing better at providing children with the emotional support they need to cope with going through a divorce. If we do not, we will continue to pay a high price as a society in substance dependence, violent crime, and increased levels of mental health-related issues. Avoidance and denial are going to continue to destroy lives and potential, which is a loss for all of us.

Our children deserve better. We don’t need to whitewash things for them. We need to be honest and courageous and face our own sadness, fear, and guilt and not leave them alone in theirs. We cannot take the pain they experience from the loss of their family away, but we can go through it with them. Children who are responded too with care and empathy can recover from going through a divorce and become healthy adults. Instead of taking the strategy of maybe they won’t notice, look your children in the eye and say, “I notice, and it matters to me how you feel about all this.”

 

John Hawkins Jr., M.S., L.M.H.C.