John Hawkins Jr., M.S., L.M.H.C., C.A.P.

As a therapist, I often hear people say, “I know this is stupid,” or “I know this doesn’t make sense but …” The issues I work with in therapy are predominately emotional, which often are very confusing to the rational mind. This comes back to the difference between the subcortical brain and the cortical brain.

The majority of my clients are intelligent and insightful, and it’s very frustrating for them to understand how they continue to engage in certain behaviors or patterns. I’ve written about this before, but it comes down to our primitive brain and implicit memory systems.

The preponderance of our memory is outside of our conscious awareness. We are perpetually acting out our history on a daily basis. Much of this is necessary and adaptive. We need certain expectations to navigate our day to day world. However, some of these unconscious patterns no longer serve us. Yet, it can be extremely difficult to identify their cause and break free from them for the average person.

After years of working with people, I have become very proficient at identifying the source of these emotional and relational learnings and then helping others break free from them. What I would like to provide those who I cannot work with are the basic skills to do what I would do with them in my sessions.

The first skill I would instruct someone in would be to explore without judgment. As frustrating as it can be, there is a logic to your behavior that makes perfect sense once you recognize the origin and development of it.

Secondly, identify the triggers and contexts that initiate this behavior. This will provide an initial way to become conscious of and more effectively manage these scenarios. Some of this will include avoiding these triggers if possible, such as staying out of certain relationships.

Finally, through various means, such as journaling, therapy, talking with a supportive person, access and process the emotions related to the originating situations and relationships that developed the need for your emotional and relational defenses.

Remember, what may make little to no sense in the present was once a necessary and adaptive behavior. And, as always, exercise self-compassion, self-acceptance, and self-forgiveness.