One of the most transformative things for me as a therapist was when someone helped me to orient my primary focus to the positive force that resides within each of us. No matter how many negative and traumatic events someone has endured, and no matter how many wounds they have incurred, there is an energy inside each of us that can heal and overcome anything. I have witnessed it countless times.

 

The key to finding it is to look for the glimmers of it. I’ll give you an example. Let’s say I’m working with a client who is very conflict avoidant. They too readily give way and are often taken advantage of and miss out on obtaining many important needs. Typically, there was a time in their history in which being passive or avoidant was a useful strategy. However, the price for engaging in this adaption is that they now have developed a rigid pattern of doing so in almost all circumstances.

 

Once I have identified this, I am now on the lookout for any previous time they reacted in a way contrary to this pattern, such as exercising any level of assertiveness. Furthermore, I am tracking any in session moment where they display a level of strength or confidence no matter how minimal. Even in the most passive and avoidant person, there is always an exception. A client may briefly, and with little fanfare, tell me an occurrence of how they didn’t take no for an answer with a colleague or a family member.

 

I then want to do two things with this disclosure: understand how they were able to be assertive in this situation; and, more importantly, I want to deepen their emotional experience in the present moment in order for them to fully embody it. This physical embodiment is what really changes things by creating what is known as neuroplasticity. Research has shown us that you cannot break these patterns through insight and awareness but only experientially, which is through an emotional experience and new contradictory actions.

 

People will often minimize and diminish the importance of the spark or glimmer. However, I want to take that and blow on it until it becomes the raging fire I know it is capable of turning into. It is so amazing to me to witness how often this occurs. I can’t tell you how many times this happens in the first session before we have addressed any of the trauma and pain. We are wired to heal and capable of so many unbelievable things. This energy inside of us just needs a ‘crack of daylight’ to break through.

 

I would encourage each person to begin to search for the blades of grass in their own concrete and identify the contrary experiences and incidents of whatever it is they are currently attempting to shift or overcome. Look out! You will miss them if you are not looking for them. I promise you if you search for them you will find them, and they can potentially change everything for you. Happy hunting 🙂

 

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John D. Hawkins Jr, M.S., L.M.H.C.